Friday, December 18, 2009

Lessons from the Israelites #Dos

Lessons from the Israelites #1 is here.

Numbers is not a super popular book in the Bible. It has a lot of regulations and censuses (censi?). I think the title doesn't help matters much, either. Maybe if you like math.

Anyway, Numbers does continue the story of the Israelites, after the more popular episodes of Plagues, Red Sea Crossings, and the Golden Calf. The Israelites, at this point, are in the desert. I've always heard it referred to as "wandering," which made me visualize a kind of lost-ness to them. Not true. The Israelites had a pillar of cloud/fire as a roadmap. This thing led them wherever they were supposed to go. Pretty handy.

By the end of Numbers 9, the Israelites have gotten their tabernacle set up (according to some pretty specific regulations) and this is where the cloud/fire pillar camped, until it was time to move. Numbers 9:22 says, "Whether it was two days, a month, or a year that the cloud remained above the tabernacle, the children of Israel would remain encamped and not journey, but when it was taken up, they would journey."

Yeah, a year.

The Israelites are not a people that are often lauded for their faith. Since we hear a lot about their fear, and complaining, I generally think of them as a pretty whiney group of people. However, I kind of feel like this waiting for a year at a time, in the desert, took a little faith. I mean, I'd be thinking, "Hey, you think that cloud/fire pillar is broken?" Or, "You think that maybe it's not from God, maybe it's just a weird weather phenomena?" Or, perhaps more likely, I'd think, "Maybe this means we're supposed to set out on our own from here."

I'd probably also wonder about the placement of those encampments. I once went to the desert (somewhere near Nevada) and it is not comfortable. Or really interesting, for that matter.

Those Israelites may have complained and whined about many a thing, and maybe some of them really had those thoughts, but the Bible doesn't say. It just says, "At the command of the Lord they remained encamped, and at the command of the Lord they journeyed" (v 23a).

I often do not have that kind of faith. I am questioning. Sure, I don't actually have the privilege to see a literal pillar of cloud/fire, but there are subtle directions. I have wondered before why I seem to stay the same while my friends' lives change so much--moving for jobs, getting married, having kids, etc. Perhaps I am just encamped. I think my journey time is coming, though, and I'm excited.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

some-

Today I read somewhere someone saying something along the lines of "I'm proud of you for fighting against what you want to do in order to do what you ought to do." I found that incredibly sad. I hope someday someone is proud of me for doing the opposite. The real trick, I suppose, is to want to do what you ought to do.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Snapshot Moments

Recently, I interviewed my best friend while preparing to write some sections of her wedding website (just a service I offer). I asked her when she knew that she liked the guy she will soon marry. She listed two distinct moments: one, when walking together on a sidewalk, he switched to walk on the side of the traffic; the second, when taking shelter in a cargo truck during a storm, he warned her not to touch the metal parts of the truck. While these moments alone do not make up their relationship entirely, they are almost tangible.
I love moments like that. Times when you could almost take a snapshot and point to it later, saying, "There! That's when I knew!" I can remember times like this in my own life.
The moment I realized my dreams of Broadway would never come true--I was singing out loud to Amy Grant when my mom asked, "Can you not hear that you are off-key?" I could not.
The moment I understood exactly where I stood with my director this past summer--he handed me the coveted golf cart keys. To me, those keys meant he respected me. I didn't even tell him I'd never driven one before.
The moment I knew my friends and I were "grown ups"--when saying goodbye one day, one of my guy friends told us to be careful driving back to school. Kids don't tell people to be careful.
But there are other times in my life when I cannot pinpoint a moment. There are no snapshots, not really even video. These realizations are more gradual, taking place over a long period of time, and more privately, perhaps.
I don't know why I decided to go to Union University.
I don't know how I became a writer. Or why I know I must write.
I don't know when I made most of my closest friends.

I think whenever it comes to big life moments and decisions, I hope for a snapshot moment. I hope that there is something tangible that I can look at and say, "That, that right there is how I know." But maybe I'll just keep going and one day will look back and say, "I don't know why I'm here."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Coffee House Dream

My friend Mary has a blog called "Chasing Dreams... Rabbits... and Pigeons." She writes about big plans that may or may not ever become reality. See, Mary and I are similar. We are both great big dreamers; we come up with a new plan for our lives on a daily basis. Mostly, these goals will fall by the wayside, because they are big, big plans that would take much effort, much charisma, and much money to pull off.

I have always been this way. Just ask my mom, or my sister--both tend to roll their eyes when I tell them of a new plan to travel the world, start a business, or run a marathon. They know that next week I'll have a new dream and the current one will fade away. While this never achieving used to bother me a little, I have learned that dreaming is a part of me, and while I may never achieve some of my crazy little goals, a few do make it to reality.

For example, I once got an idea to study abroad. I don't know why I thought to do this. I just decided one day that I would like to study English in England, and not just anywhere in England--I wanted to study at Oxford University. I'm pretty sure everyone that knew me, including myself, thought this was just another one of my ideas. I even remember thinking, on the day my parents purchased a very expensive plane ticket, "I guess I can't back out now. This is really happening." And I didn't back out. I really did study English in England. I was on the rowing crew (another "crazy" goal that started as a joke with my roommates at Union), I walked where Shakespeare walked, I was inspired by the same meadows and rivers that inspired Lord of the Rings and Narnia and Wonderland. Amazing. And it started as a silly idea.

I have another dream that I think may be my most insane. It is definitely the largest, spanning the entire globe, costing millions of dollars, and requiring a lot of very specific knowledge. But I think "it just might work." I refer to it as the "coffee house dream."

This particular dream has a long, detailed history. Maybe I'll write about it later. For now, here's the bones:
Missional coffee houses catering to the oft-forgotten wealthy intellectuals in big university towns (think Ivy League, Oxbridge, etc.) getting their coffee and tea from partner plantations in third-world countries. The idea is that the coffee is missional on both ends--one, it allows a village in struggling area to have jobs, get medical care, education, and most importantly, to learn of a God who loves them; two, those who drink the coffee will be made aware of its origins and those who grow it; and three, the coffee house itself will be a home for conversation, relationships, and ideas, the hope being that evangelism will be made possible over a cup of coffee and a homemade scone.

So there it is. I have high hopes for this one.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Lost Love

The other day, as I turned onto a narrow road hoping to avoid a particularly congested area of town, I realized that I do not mind getting lost. In fact, I kind of love it. There are two exceptions to this: 1) if I am late and 2) if it is in a dangerous area at night. Other than those two exceptions, I enjoy being lost.

I like the adventure of not knowing for sure if I will end up where I intend on going. I like learning new ways to get somewhere and I like getting to see things that I might normally bypass all together. I also really enjoy jamming out to some music with my windows rolled down.

This realization got me thinking about how I have sort of been lost the past couple of years. Most of my friends took the roads that they knew would get them exactly where they wanted to be. They took jobs to earn an income, went to medical school to become a doctor, got married to become a wife and mother, etc. I, on the other hand, did not. And like the sadly cliched poet, I, I took the road less travelled by.

So, I've been wandering on roads called Camp and Unemployment and Singleness for the past two years, trying to figure out if these roads will ever lead me to my goal, which has gotten a bit more hazy as the years have passed. Despite all the bad things that have come with taking this route, I've actually enjoyed it. Maybe it's that I like being mysterious and enjoy the adventure of not knowing what in the world I'm doing. I have also learned some great things, about who I am, about who God is. And I've enjoyed lots of windows-rolled-down-top-of-my-lungs-singing moments along the way.

I think this is why lately I have been hesitant to be tied down. I don't want to take the normal route, despite the fact that it is easier and leads me straight to where I've always wanted to go. Maybe I'm just not sure that is still my final destination.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

ANTM

I love watching America's Next Top Model. Addicting. And I can really watch it over and over.

I could never be on America's Next Top Model, though, because I don't think I could act like Tyra Banks hung the moon. I also would refuse to play along when she would do those little surprise skit things.
Seriously, Tyra, if the models don't understand that your house is not really condemned, that it's just an over-the-top way of you telling them they'll be moving, then they fit the dumb-model stereotype that you preach against each season. Or they've never watched the show.

I think Tyra probably does really help some people with self-confidence stuff and that's wonderful. But, there is such a thing as too much self-confidence, Tyra.


Monday, October 19, 2009

lunch-break hulu-watching

Today, I was watching The Simpsons on Hulu during lunch, and they made a joke about transubstantiation.

Bet you wish you had a nickel for every time you've read that sentence.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

This could get a little crazy..

My new life plan is to not be fifty and think "I really wish I had tried to do that."

I'm only 24.
[Sometimes, I have little panic attacks when I realize how close I am to 25, 27, 30. Seriously, panic attacks.]

I've determined that I don't want to look back on my 20s and realize they were wasted wishing.

Therefore, I'm going to reach for some crazy dreams. Yes, dreams plural. I'm going to go for it. I may never fully realize any of them, but why not try?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jesus in the Minute-Clinic

Once, I saw Jesus at a minute clinic. I saw him in a middle-age, middle-class black lady.

There are a bunch of details that I could go into about how exactly everything went down, but seeing as I was only watching (and eavesdropping in on) the action, I am not sure of all the details. Plus, I tried writing them out and they were just boring that way.

The point is, I saw one woman showing friendship to a complete stranger. She was a true friend in a moment when friendship was needed--she provided empathy, calming words, and practical advice. I don't know if the woman was a Christian, but I really felt that she was showing Jesus to the other woman. 

I thought in that moment of how badly I want to be like that. Usually, I don't do a good job of it. I would love to just help people, especially people in distress, like that woman. To take someone's horrible day, and make it a little better. I need to work on that.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

What Do You Want to Do?

An old friend called me yesterday about a job I had wanted. She asked if I was still interested in working at that particular place. Good thing it was a voice mail, because had we been having a "live" conversation, I probably would have fumbled a bunch of sentences, basically meaning, "I HAVE NO IDEA!" But, it's probably not good to give out that impression. The impression that, at 24 years old, I am a mess. 

I've been thinking a lot about what I want lately. As in, what do I want to do. Some may say that it's not about what I want, and I get that. But isn't it a little bit? Shouldn't we want to do whatever it is we do? I hope whenever I do settle into a "career," or whatever I settle into, it is something I enjoy. I think we should all wake up excited about what we do and go to sleep thinking about ways to improve it. That can only happen if you do something that you want to do.

So what is it that I want to do? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Boyfriends Are Ruining My Social Calendar

My friends need to stop getting boyfriends. This epidemic is putting a damper on my social life. Seriously, if you can't provide me with an adequate boyfriend, don't get one yourself. Because what happens is this: We still hang out, but when he's out of town, or doing something else, or worse, also there. I love your boyfriend, he's fun, but let's face it--no one likes being the third wheel. We also usually just hang out doing the stuff you haven't already done with him. We go to the mall or watch a chick flick, because the two of you already saw the Blockbuster hit. You also went with him to the play I want to see. Meanwhile, I'm trying to contact my few still-single friends to see if someone, anyone, will go to a concert with me. 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand. If I had a boyfriend, I would definitely do those things with him and not with you, my single friend. Sure, I'd try to make you feel comfortable being the third wheel, and maybe we'd have some success. However, I would appreciate if boyfriends came in sets. You know, when one girl gets hers, her closest friends also get one. That would solve so many problems.

I didn't even get to go to the fair this year. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Naming Animals [About the Title]

    One of Adam's first tasks as a human being was to name the animals God had created. God brought them all to Adam and he gave each creature a word to be theirs.
Once an artist, named Makoto Fujimura, came and spoke during chapel at Union University. One of the things he mentioned was that the job of a poet is to name animals. 
     I think what he meant is, just as Adam gave a word to each creature, poets, and all writers, give words to creation. 
     This is what I hope to do as a writer. Life is sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes completely senseless, and everything in between. I've always heard that the writer's job is to give words life, but my goal is the opposite: I want to give life words.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Lesson from the Israelites #1

I wrote this a while ago ("wallago", as it is pronounced here in TN). But, I've recently been reading more about the Israelites, so this will be first in a sort of series. 

I recently ran across a verse that I had never noticed before. Right in the heart of the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt is Exodus 13:17-18. It says, “When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, ‘If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.’ So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle.”

          We know how the story turns out. We know that the Israelites are going to get to the Red Sea, God is going to command Moses to stretch his hand over the sea, the waters will part, the Israelites will walk across dry land, and the Egyptians will get swallowed by the waters. We know this. The Israelites did not.

            They came out of Egypt and were met with a guide: a cloud during the day and a pillar of fire at night. This cloud/fire was leading them straight to the sea. 

            I can just imagine the Israelites following this cloud/fire and talking amongst themselves, finally getting brave enough to confront Moses. I can see them coming up to him one by one, maybe in groups sometimes, to offer their advice. “Hey, Moses, my brother has been out this way before, and he says we’re headed right into the Red Sea. And, uh, I can’t swim that well.” “Moses, did we take a wrong turn somewhere back there?” “Hey, I realize that you said we should follow this cloud, but are you sure it’s leading us in the right direction?”

            I can see Moses just walking on, his eyes fixed to the cloud before Him.

            The thing the Israelites (and we) may not have realized is that God was saving them a lot of trouble by leading them to the water. The other option was war. Sure, God could have led them to victory, but I personally think that a bunch of angry people with weapons is a little scarier than the beach. God said, “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt” (vs. 17). I guess building pyramids is also on the list of things less scary than angry people with weapons.

            There’s another reason I think God might have led the people to the water instead of the warzone. If the Israelites had gone to war, God probably would have let them win. They were His chosen people, after all. But, it would be a lot easier to take credit for winning a war than moving a sea. It would be believable to say, “We defeated all these people. We are that good at warfare.” To say, “We moved all this water. We are that good at controlling nature.” is not so believable. There is no way the Israelites could have made a path through the Red Sea and then have the walls of water collapse at just the right moment for the Israelites to be safely across and the Egyptians to be crushed by the waves. That had to be God.

            God, like us, knows the end of the Israelite’s story. He knew the Israelites better than they knew themselves. The verse says that they were already dressed for battle. They thought that fighting Philistines was inevitable. But God realized that the Israelites were finicky. He also knew how much greater the story could be.

            The reason I like this passage so much is that I sometimes feel like I’m on a desert road. For example, I was prepared, after college, to become a wife and mother. I had heard all my life that it would happen that way. When the option of marriage failed to present itself, I was a little lost. I began to travel the desert road. I have wandered in unemployment and changing goals. So far my desert road has made me question God a few times, “Are you sure this is the right way?” I sometimes feel clueless, like I’m going toward the beach dressed in armor.

I have hope during my desert-road wandering, because God led the Israelites to the Red Sea. I am looking forward to witnessing my Red Sea. I think I can see the beach in the distance and I’m wondering what will happen when I get there. For now, I’m just trying not to offer God any advice or question where He’s leading me, because I’m sure He’s got something planned that’s better than anything I could have suggested.

Monday, March 9, 2009

"Are there any guys?"

This is the question my mother asks whenever I go to any new activities and/or places where I might meet anyone my age. 
I told her that all the people my age at my (temporary) workplace work in the other groups. She jumped straight to "You should have told them in the interview that you're looking for a mate." A mate. 
No, not someone to eat lunch with, someone to make fun of our co-workers with, a friend, a boyfriend, a fiance or even a husband--a mate. 
And people wonder why I take dating so seriously. I cannot just go get coffee with someone of the opposite sex. I am looking for a mate. Someone to be with forever and with whom I can procreate.* This is a little more difficult.

*This is, of course, according to my mother. Not my real views on dating. I have no problem with coffee (green tea frappaccinos) with someone of the opposite sex.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Church (by myself)

I have now been to church all by myself twice. I think I'm growing up.

I have put off visiting churches because I don't like to go alone. I don't like sitting by myself anywhere, not even while the person I am with goes to the bathroom, so church by myself seems daunting. Then, the fact that different churches handle things differently also gives me reason to worry. If someone's with you, then at least you're not the only one that sips from the communion cup instead of just dipping the bread. It's also good to have a partner if you are the only ones wearing jeans, or if you're the only ones dressed up. At least then there are two people who look out of place. 

Sunday School is a completely different story. For people who are my age and single, this can be especially frustrating. There is the "singles" class that the well-meaning greeters try to pressure you into. Most of the time, these singles are, as my friend says, "single for a reason." They are the forty-year-old divorcees and the cat ladies. I believe that there are some great divorcees and cat people out there, but I would rather learn and fellowship with people in my stage of life. So, the other option is the college class. Well, I am no longer in college. I have had my share of Sunday School lessons on dating, doing my best in school, and following God's direction for what to major in. Also, I will be there every Sunday, not just during the summer and winter breaks. 

I find myself going to churches without Sunday School as a result. These churches have small groups. Small groups are a similar story, though. They usually throw in a "young professionals" group, though. This is good. What is not good is that many of these young professionals are engaged, married, and having babies. They aren't necessarily available for socializing outside of class. Not to mention, how in the world do you find a date when all the guys are already taken? (Note: this is not why I go to church, but you and I both know that every single person scopes out the other singles at church events. "They" say it's a great place to find a mate.)

I have triumphed over my fears for at least two Sundays now. Albeit, I had been to this church before and knew that jeans were okay and they dip the bread, so that took away a few fears. I'm still working up the nerve to join a small group, though.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Starting a Blog (sort of)

I felt that I needed a blog. People keep asking if I have one. Since I like to please people, I decided to just do it. I've done blogs before (remember the Xanga phase?) and I even started this one a while back ago, and then abandoned it.
For this one, I needed a title, a subtitle, an address, and I needed to pick the colors, the text, everything. Way too many decisions for someone like me. I hope I decided well. 
This blog will be about life as I know it in the Bible Belt. Life as I know it can be seen as boring, or fascinating and I'm choosing the latter (most days). I will recount my trials and challenges both as a writer and as a single woman living in this wonderful world of Singles' Sunday School and "Must have 5 years publishing experience or equivalent." 
One day I'll look back on all this and laugh...