indecisive

I am indecisive. I have known this for years. I do not enjoy making decisions at all. In fact, I often request of people, and of God, "Please don't make me make the decision." I take forever deciding most things. Literally, for every decision I have to make in the morning, I tack on 5 minutes to my getting-ready time. I base whether or not I can hit "snooze" the second time on whether or not I have already determined my lunch plan for the day.

The last three years of my life have been one huge indecisive moment. It's easy to see. My conversations, with family, friends, and God, are always opposing the last conversation I had. I'll declare one day that I'm going to do XYZ and the very next day, or two days later, I'll say that XYZ is not at all my plan; ABC is my new life goal.

It's exhausting and frustrating not being able to decide. I would like to be decisive. Why can't I just make a decision?

The reason is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. I'm afraid people will be mad about the decision I do make. I'm afraid I will regret the decision.

Those aren't crazyweird fears like being afraid of grape jelly or butterflies; they're normal fears. But Jesus tells us not to be afraid. (Somewhere, I have written down how many times he tells us not to be afraid, but I can't find that scrap of paper/corner of a bulletin. Also, Google wasn't super helpful with the search. He said it a lot, though.)

[To be completely honest, I'm not sure exactly where I was going with all of that. I think this is really just a precursor to a heart-on-the-table post that will happen as soon as I figure out a way to make the 5+ pages of a stream-of-consciousness email to a dear friend coherent and post-able.]